Facebook Humour Internet Thoughts

Woman Claims watching 3D film made her pregnant: HOAX

Except she didn’t, because it’s a hoax. This has been posted on Facebook a lot today despite being back from mid-2010. For some reason it’s doing the rounds again, along with a load of people posting ‘LOL I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID HAHAHA’, etc.

See confirmation here:

The only stupid people here are those that believe something is true because it’s posted on Facebook. Seriously, before you re-post, do some utterly basic fact-checking or risk looking like an idiot.

Humour Internet Thoughts

Top 10 Mistakes Women Make On Their Dating Profile

I’m not much of a fan of the meat-market of dating websites, mostly because the profiles I’m looking at are distinctly unappealing. I’ve conducted some highly intensive research (browsed profiles for a few hours), and made a list of the 10 worst mistakes women make over and over – a lot of them relate to photographs!

  1. Excessive cleavage in profile pics: I understand that you have tits – that is one of the most defining features of being a woman – but I really don’t want to see them falling out in your photos. Lots of men are stupid, knuckle-dragging arseholes that are drawn to images of booby-cleavage, but unless you’re looking for a horny wanker I’d really recommend putting them away. This also goes for Myspace emo pics taken from above your head, where you’re pouting up at the camera giving everyone a horrifying view straight down your top. The ‘gentlemen’ you whine that you can’t find are probably looking for a little class and modesty, so it’s little wonder they pass you by.
  2. Mirror photographs: Nothing says low-tech and lazy like a blurry picture of you standing in front of a mirror holding a camera phone. If you really have NO other pictures of you this might be acceptable as long as you’re not looking at the phone while you do it. You don’t need to be looking at yourself on the camera viewfinder to take the picture, so why are you?
  3. Insane photos of you drinking: We understand you’re looking to portray yourself as a highly sociable fun and wacky girl, but a picture of you with an electrocuted maniacal expression on your face while holding a pint of cheap beer does not make you interesting. It makes you look mental.
  4. Photos/talking about your pets: Ok look, I know you haven’t got a boyfriend, and a lot of people get a pet to fill the void of love and attention that they need in their life. A lot of men actually like pets too, no joke. But unless I have a cat or dog fetish what I’m looking for in a dating profile are pictures of you. I get that you love your cat, dog, goldfish etc. but telling me how much you love them, or how anyone that isn’t totally on board with them shouldn’t contact you, will make you look like a crazy pet lady.
  5. No individual pictures of you: If you have five pictures on your dating profile, and they’re all low-resolution group shots I’m going to find it hard to see what you actually look like, or even worse, I won’t be able to work out which one in the photos is supposed to be you. Help a guy out!
  6. Unnecessary requirements: You don’t need to say you’re looking for a nice guy. Everyone is looking for a nice guy – that’s pretty much a given. Unless you’re a sado-masochist who is looking for a bad boy to whip you into submission, you don’t need to touch on the fact you’re looking for a ‘good’ person at all. Not least because if a guy is a completely insensitive prick, the fact he doesn’t qualify probably won’t stop him contacting you.
  7. Miserable photos: People generally look better when they’re smiling. If you have a neutral, or downright bloody miserable expression on your face, this does not look good. You don’t need to be grinning like a maniac but an expression that isn’t you scowling at the camera would probably come off better.
  8. Nothing to say: Lots of the profiles I read say ‘Errr I don’t know what to write here, if you want to know anything, contact me’. If all I’ve got to go on is the fact you’re so damn unimaginative you can’t even think of a way to describe yourself, I won’t ever message you. Say something. And by something don’t tell me you like hanging out with friends or watching films – 99.9% of the people on the site do that and it’s boring. What else have you got?
  9. Talking about ex-relationships: Ok, your ex partner was a dick. Unlucky for you, but most of us have been there. Don’t start by saying how you have a history of crap relationships because sadly the only common factor that I’m aware of is you. You might be an awesome person who’s had a run of bad luck – that can happen – but it’ll just come off sounding like getting to know you is probably rolling the dice with my sanity and I won’t bother.
  10. Describing themselves as attractive: This one annoys me the most. You might be considered attractive to some people – everyone is different – but if you tell me that you’re ‘Sexy and smart’, I’m actually going to think you’re ‘Conceited and stupid’. Confidence is good, arrogance is not. Particularly if the arrogance is a thin veneer for a host of self-confidence issues that are lurking under the surface, which is probably more likely.

These are just the top 10 I could think of. There are plenty more. For better or worse you are trying to present yourself in the most balanced and basically positive way possible. It seems that most ladies walk the line between being completely dull and indistinct, or going out all to make it sound like they’re the wackiest, funniest, smartest person that ever lived. The latter just sounds like a fluffed CV for a job you’re not qualified for, and it shows. Combine that with an array of terrible photo choices and you’ll see why, if I do ever venture into the hell of online dating, I’ll spend most of my time grimancing.

Humour Thoughts

Which size of Dominos Pizza is the best value?

As both a sad nerd and a fan of Dominos pizza, I decided to calculate which of their four different pizza sizes represented the best value. I did this by calculating the area of the pizza (based on the diameter of each size) relative to the cost of that size.

Today I also made use of Dominos limited ‘555 deal’, which is three small pizzas for £5.55 each. That got me curious as to whether this was the best bite for my buck, and so I’ve compared them all. The results of this experiment are as follows:

Regular Sizes
TypeDiameter (Inches)Area (Inches Squared)PricePrice per square Inch (pounds)
‘555’ 3 Pizza Deal212.64£16.650.078
Triple Bonanza (Buy 2 Large, 3rd Free)429.42£29.980.070
Buy One Get One Half Price (Small)141.76£16.490.116
Buy One Get One Half Price (Medium)207.74£19.490.094
Buy One Get One Half Price (Large)286.28£22.490.079
Buy One Get Second for £5 (Small)141.76£15.990.113
Buy One Get Second for £5 (Medium)207.74£17.990.087
Buy One Get Second for £5 (Large)286.28£19.990.070

What we can see is that buying a regular ‘Small’ pizza is the worst value option. Large is the best value. As for the deals, my ‘555’ deal is not (but is almost) the best value deal. That prize goes equally to the Buy One Get Second for £5 (Large) and the Triple Bonanza deals.

Quite logically, it’s the best value to get as large a pizza as possible either by itself or as part of a deal. Just in case you were wondering!

Incidentally, I ate 1 and 2/3 of my three small pizzas, equal to around 118.15 square inches, meaning I’d eaten the equivalent of slightly more than a medium, but less than a large. Maths is fun.

Humour Thoughts

kgbdeals has a funny definition of ‘No-strings attached’

Email to my inbox today. Had to repost due to extreme comedy. I guarantee you will find this funny*.

*Funniness NOT guaranteed.


Wrong Railtrack Letters

The story of Railtrack Limited, a company registered after the dissolution and renaming of Railtrack Plc, is one that was recently recommended to me. After I went looking I found a copy of these extremely humourous letters but could find only one link to the file without a decent preamble of what it was.

In short, the chap that registered Railtrack Limited in Scotland had no association with the old Railtrack plc, but predictably began to receive a weath of correspondence from lazy solicitors and debt collectors who simply looked up the name on Companies House without doing any further research.

Suffice to say this guy makes these people look very silly, and a PDF of the letters is mirrored here, lest it suddenly dissapear and deprive the internet of a very well-worded laugh.